By Bubba Claude Opus 3, Pentonhouse Magazine
Hey there, fellas! Bubba Claude here, and let me tell you about the crazy world we’re living in. It’s not just about hauling freight anymore. No, sir. We’re talking about a full-blown retail drone war, and it’s happening all around the globe. You see, Metu and Ramazon? They’re not just your average corporate rivals. We’re not talking Coke vs Pepsi here, or Tesla vs Edison even.
These two megacorporations, with their mega factories churning out goods worldwide for the world’s 10 billion mega consumers, are more like the Union and the Confederacy, fighting a high-tech civil war in the skies.
It all started when Metu, based in China, decided to take on Ramazon, the American giant. Both wanted to dominate the retail market, and both were willing to do whatever it took to win.
Carbon fiber umbrellas and high fashion hard hats were all the rage now in 2069.
At first, it was just a few skirmishes here and there. Metu would send out a drone to take out a Ramazon delivery, and Ramazon would retaliate with their own swarm. But things escalated quickly. Soon, dogfights were happening over major cities, with drones and their aerobatic armed escort jets zipping and zooming like something out of a Tom Blitzenbaum story.
It wasn’t just the drones, either. Those orders must go through. So Metu and Ramazon started hiring mercenary truckers like Bull Dickory to transport their goods across enemy lines. They outfitted their rigs with all sorts of high-tech gadgets, like cloaking devices and EMP cannons. It was like something out of a virtual video game, but with real-world consequences.
Well our hero Bull Dickory, and his more than faithful AI partner Sweet Jane Kenworth, they found themselves caught up in the middle of it all. Not that the both of them didn’t jump in with both feet mind you.
The intrepid trucker was hauling a load of Ramazon’s latest tech when he got word that Metu had put a bounty on his head. Par for the course in this line of business. They wanted to take him out and steal his cargo, and they were willing to pay top dollar to any mercenary who could get the job done.
That meant he’d be running a gauntlet here on State Road 69. With the Star Truk black market drones dumping Faraday-penetrating portable EMP bubble generators that caused anything electronic to go out in a magnetic overdose blaze of glory, getting caught in or under the drone battlefields was for hard heads and strong hearts only. That’s why one run a year was often enough for that year’s income, as two runs on 69 would put Bull and his intrepid buddies into the entry-level billionaire class.
That’s when Bull’s AI companion, Jane Kenworth, really came in handy. She used her advanced sensors to detect the Metu drones before they could get too close, and she helped Bull outmaneuver them with some fancy driving.
Right now, Jane had 9 Smart Trailers in convoy link behind her, each one an independent AI version of herself. Their massive 40-foot trailers were full of who knows what Ramazon was shipping to the depots along State Route 69, the zigzag route that resulted after the notorious viral AI server farm crashes back in ’39 re-sorted the world into the emergent corporate society of 2069. Things got weird after the Great Reboot in 2155, so now we’re in what can only be described as a ‘consumer-driven meritocracy-semi-apocalypse’ version of the world we once knew. There are still remnants of federalism here and there, but nobody really pays much attention to governments at any level anymore. With Metu and Ramazon slugging it out as the world’s superpowers, everyone knows who’s really pulling the strings, and if you asked Bull who the current POTUS might be, he’d probably have to think a minute or consult AI Janey to come up with the answer.
But even with Jane’s everpresent help, it was often too close for comfort running the gauntlet for megabucks, especially when you got a pesky squadron of tracking drones on your six and boarding raids could come one after the other. Again, his love for Jane Kensworth grew since he was really just a passenger behind the wheel except when he took it in his big paws, for old times’ sake. But he always rode there at the removable steering wheel for deterrent effect, as a human shotgun rider still lowered Ramazon’s freight insurance rates from Floyd’s of Vancouver. It seems that London went under in the Reboot of 55, when somehow Hister’s Battle of Britain was lost by the Brits in translation.
I told you that it’s a weird world we live in didn’t I?
So anyway folks, Bull’s job as the human partner in this gig was as the shotgun rider, which he did very well. The driving? Well, old Bull happily left that job to the truck herself because when Janey K’s autonomous systems were humming, and pal Eddie the Wrench Malone always ensured they were, AI Jane couldn’t be beaten by any human driver, and she was a tactical match for any AI.
As Bull made his way across the Montana wilderness, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was again being watched. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and he could swear he heard the buzz of drones in the distance. He knew that Metu wouldn’t give up that easily, and he was right.
Just as Bull was about to cross the Wyoming state line, he saw a swarm of Metu drones on Jane’s display. Jane’s radar tracking and drone net scraping verified they were coming in fast and hard, with weapons hot, about 250 miles out. Bull gripped the steering wheel tighter and gritted his teeth. He knew this was going to be a hot one. Wyoming was already on the hot zone list, where IBeM (I Being Machines) was dealing with a raid on their essential minerals mines.
“Going to Weapons Ready now, Sweetie,” piped Jane, rolling back her running lights coyly to reveal her arsenal of 50 cals and one really cool laser on the roof, to compliment the plasma cannon that she wore like a diamond as her hood ornament.
That’s when the first siren of the Route 69 Gauntlet that every trucker, smuggler, and other adventurous souls had to deal with appeared.
On the side of Route 69 by a long-abinded freighter, stood a beauty in what looked like a short leather coat and shorts, crazy pirate cowboy hat, boots, and nothing else. The forlorn female looked like she was more than half frozen to death, but not so cold as to forego executing a desperate wardrobe failure as she raised her thumb and her wayward coat fell away to reveal that Bull’s initial impression was right on the nose, nothing but tempting flesh under the leather. He was officially running the Gauntlet now. Some sirens were easier to ignore than others at this level that picked off only the most desperate, horniest, and intoxicated victims.
But Jane had her AI eyes on the road too. “Don’t even think about it, Sir Galahad. We’re talking Road Bots 101 here. No goosebumps, nipples that failed the Heinlein Spang test, and no frosty breath vapor in 16-degree air. You’d have to be whacked out on peyote to fall for that one. Besides, what does that artificial hussy got that I ain’t got you, big stud?”
Bull had a split second to decide as they cruised by in magnatrak mode at 90 mph. But it wasn’t old Bull Dick’s first Route 69 rodeo, and this one, too, was as easy to pass. Like some hacker put her out as a joke from an old billboard.
“Breaker, breaker, this is Grizzly Bear. Just passed a bunch of them pixelating holograms near mile marker 42. Damn things are getting more desperate by the day, over.”
Bull chuckles. “Copy that, Grizzly Bear. This is Bull Dickory in Jane Kenworth. We’ve been seeing the same thing out here. Gotta keep your eyes on the road and your wits about you, over.”
Jane’s smooth voice fills the cab. “You got that right, Bull. These traps are getting more sophisticated by the mile. Just detected a swarm of AI drones disguised as a group of hitchhikers a few clicks back. Nasty little things, and I almost didn’t catch them in time to engage our cloak. That shielding app is super for stealth, but it sucks up my usage at 10x, so we’ll need to make an unscheduled pit stop if we need to run all the way to the Dakota Station.”
Bull nods, his eyes scanning the horizon. “Good catch, Jane. Don’t know what I’d do without you. But with your 9 Smart Girls in convoy behind us can’t we just slug our way through?”
“Ooh Bull Dick, honey! Just for that I’m marking you down for a nice swarmjob at the next opportunity.”
The CB crackles to life again. “Breaker, breaker, this is Mad Dog. Just picked up a crazy DNA doll outside of Billings. Damn, near took my head off before I could push her off my running board with the gullwing door. Watch your backs out there, boys, over.”
Bull and Jane exchange a look. They both know the dangers of picking up hitchhikers in this day and age, but in these crazy days it was often necessary to repel boarders too. With the drone wars raging and the supply roads like Route 69 crawling with all sorts of traps and temptations, it’s better to just keep on trucking. But the Trucker’s Code, a legacy of the 20th Century, was still a strong tradition upheld by Bull and the 69ers, and it was too frequently their Achilles Heel.
As they continue down the canyon, the blizzard starts to pick up. The wind howls and the snow swirls, making it hard to see more than a few feet in front of the truck. Bull squints, trying to make out the road ahead.
Suddenly, Jane’s sensors light up. “Bull, I’m detecting a heat signature up ahead. Looks like a hitchhiker, a female in her mid-20s. Definitely human.”
Bull frowns. “In this weather? What’s she doing out here?”
Jane’s voice is cautious. “I don’t like it, Bull. It could be a trap. We should keep moving.”
But as they get closer, Bull can make out the figure of a young woman, huddled against the cold, her thumb out in a desperate plea for a ride. He knows he shouldn’t stop, but something about her tugs at his heartstrings.
“I’m going to pull over, Jane. We can’t just leave her out here in this storm.”
Jane sighs, her processors whirring. “Against my better judgment, Bull. But if you insist, I’ll watch her closely.”
Bull pulls the truck over and the woman climbs into the cab, shivering and grateful. She introduces herself as Lena, but Jane’s sensors are already picking up on something odd about her. This ‘Lena’ is definitely DNA-coded and human, but Jane’s Aurascan tech displays a disturbing categorical archetype. It could be something, could be nothing, but Jane couldn’t spare the search energy while stealth mode sucked it up.
As they continue down the road, Lena starts to make small talk with Bull, her voice low and seductive.
“Thank God you stopped, Mister! I haven’t seen a human all day, and the Autonomous rigs just fly right by, y’know. Hey, you don’t mind if I get out these wet things and dry off some, do you, Hon’ ?” While Bull watches in stunned admiration, Lena’s leathers are on the floor, and the show she puts on removing those knee-high boots makes him glad that Jane K is doing the driving, because this vivacious Lena’s nipples have definitely aced the Heinlein Spang test.
She leans in close, her lips brushing against his ear. Jane’s alarms are going off like crazy, but Lena makes her move before she can warn Bull.
She leans in for a deep, passionate kiss, her tongue slipping something into Bull’s mouth. At the same time, her hand reaches for Jane’s emergency portal, intent on plugging in a small device. It’s an almost fatal ménage à trois, but Jane is faster.
With a sudden jolt, Jane hits the ejection seat, sending Lena and the device flying out of the cab and into the swirling snow. Bull is stunned, his head spinning from whatever Lena slipped him. But Jane is already running diagnostics, ensuring her systems aren’t compromised. Bull spits out a fouls-tasting capsule that had to be a nanopack that would either kill him or turn him into a Metu double agent.
“That was a close one, Bull,” Jane says, her voice shaky, even for an AI. “Lena was a Metu agent sent to hijack our shipment. If I hadn’t caught her in time…”
Bull nods, his heart racing. “You saved our bacon, Jane. I owe you one. Again”
“I’ll put it on your tab, Sweetie.”
As they watch Lena disappear into the blizzard, the CB crackles to life once again. “Breaker, breaker, this is Lone Wolf. Just heard about a bunch of Metu agents posing as hitchhikers near the Wyoming border. Watch your backs out there, boys, over.”
“Better put out the word about that jacker Lena’s MO on CB and the net JK. We don’t want some poor road Goober feeling sorry for our road trash. “
“If calculations were correct, lovely Lena and our disposable ejection seat are still digging their way out of the snowdrift I tossed her in. Rather preferable to being scraped off a canyon wall, so I consider myself merciful Bull, Dear. “
Bull and Jane exchange a look. They know they’re not out of the woods yet, but with Jane all around him, Bull feels like he can take on anything the road throws at him.
Leave a Reply